Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band: Ice Cream For Crow

Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band: Ice Cream For Crow

1982

EMI Records

Format I Own it on: Compact Disc

Track Listing: 1. Ice Cream for Crow  2. The Host the Ghost the Most Holy-O  3. Semi-Multicoloured Caucasian  4. Hey Garland, I Dig Your Tweed Coat  5. Evening Bell  6. Evening Bell  7.Cardboard Cutout Sundown  8. The Past Sure Is Tense  9. The Witch Doctor Life  10. 81 Poop Hatch  11. The Thousandth and Tenth Day of the Human Totem Pole  12. Skeleton Makes Good  13. Light Reflected Off the Oceands of the Moon


 This and "Unconditionally Guaranteed" are the only Captain Beefheart albums I don't own on vinyl...I've looked and looked for a vinyl copy of "Ice Cream for Crow" and just can't get my hands on one (On the other hand, I see "Unconditionally Guaranteed" on vinyl all the time and simply wonder if I'm ready to subject myself to more soft rock-era Beefheart)... I finally relented about a year ago and just ordered a CD copy of "Ice Cream for Crow" from Amazon, which to me is admitting defeat...A lot of the fun of record collecting is in the hunt,  But I couldn't help it this time. I needed more Beefheart...

This is  the band's final album before Vliet abandoned music for the fine arts and I can't overstate what a loss that was to the music world this was...He was irreplaceable in every sense of the word. There will never ever be another Captain Beefheart. I guess we can take some solace in the band going out at the top of their game...This album is a dang hoot! There's such a sense of wooly fun on display here...It almost feels like he was on the cusp of breaking through in some way...I could picture him as some (very) cranky elder-statesmen to a whole new generation of 80's college rock kids eager to take his abuse...I'm having a hard time thinking of other 60's rockers who were still this far ahead of the curve in the 80's...It's hard to believe this was released the same year that Zappa put out "Valley Girl." Holy fuck. It just shows how timeless you can sound when you pay zero attention to the outside world (let alone current musical trends).

Originally, this was supposed to be a side of new material and a side of  "Bat Chain Puller" tracks, but Zappa was unwilling to give back the tapes...So Zappa's stinginess turned out to be a generous gift, since we get a full album of new music instead of an EP's worth of old stuff that was already  available on bootleg...There is a re-recording of  " The Thousandth and Tenth Day of the Human Totem Pole" and he straight up just uses the exact recording of "Poop Hatch" from "Bat Chain Puller" (re-titled "81 Poop Hatch") but outside of that it's all shiny new stuff...

 By this point Beefheart was taking on a more "spoken word over fractured accompaniment" approach...The blues and soul vocals are mostly gone but as someone who has a very low tolerance for spoken word albums, I can assure you that this is nothing but wall-to-wall entertainment (minus "Poop Hatch" which still kinda sucks). The delivery and lyrics are so damn inventive and hilarious that I really didn't realize that he's barely singing them until I was putting my thoughts together for this post...It also helps that the band is so talented at making impossible rhythms sound natural and effortless...Again, it wasn't until I listened to the album analytically that I started wondering, "How in the hell did they play this stuff?" There's a handful of really nice instrumentals here that showcase the band and they're more fleshed out than the usual spindly guitar-based instrumentals that were always a fixture on Beefheart albums...

The CD has one bonus track entitled "Light Reflected Off the Oceands of the Moon" which is also an instrumental. It's vital only if you're a huge fan of squonkalidoink...The Captain's approach to the saxophone, while on the surface resembles free jazz, is really just a bunch of random noise...If there's even a shred of rhyme or reason to it, I can't find it...But don't discount the sheer joy in hearing some guy go crazy on some instrument with utter disregard for notes, scales and rules just because he enjoys doing it.

Really, all you need to know about this album is this: There is no song that sounds better when you're drunk on a Friday night than the title track..Bluesy, slippery, fun, I wish the song (and Friday night) could go on forever...I'm serious, next time your about 6 or 7 beers in and it's about 1 am,  put this song on...You'll be so busy tappin' yer big fat toe that you'll forget the work week even existed...When that glorious slide guitar twinkles during the, I dunno, let's call it a chorus, all is right with the world...It's literally impossible not to smile when this song is playing...

So here's the plan...Let's polish off this six-pack really quick...

All right, now let's crank up some "Ice Cream for Crow"...Happy Friday everyone! Cheers!

Captain Beefheart: Bat Chain Puller

Captain Beefheart: Bat Chain Puller

I don't know the year this bootleg was released. I know the material on it was recorded in 1976

Moral & Main Records

Format I Own it on: Vinyl

Track Listing: 1. Bat Chain Puller  2. Seam Crooked Sam  3. Harry Irene  4. Poop Hatch  5. Flavor Bud Living  6. Brickbats  7. Floppy Boot Stomp  8. A Carrot Is As Close As A Rabbit Gets To Ah Diamond  9. Owed T' Alex  10. Odd Jobs  11. The 1010th Day Of The Human Totem Pole  12. Apes-Ma


Not to be confused with the band's 1978 album "Shiny Beast (Bat Chain Puller)" (which I covered here: http://fridaynightrecordparty.blogspot.com/2014/02/captain-beefheart-and-magic-band-shiny.html ). This is a bootleg of Captain Beefheart's famously unreleased 1976 album. I think Beefheart intended to release it but there was some dispute with Frank Zappa who was upset that Beefheart interrupted his rehearsal or some petty shit...Man, if you find extreme pettiness as entertaining as I do, you should read up on the relationship between Beefheart and his childhood friend Frank Zappa sometimes). 

I think the Zappa estate did finally release this album recently (which quickly went out of print), but I don't have that version...I have the bootleg version pictured above, which has a silk-screened image on the most unpleasantly textured cardboard known to man...Whenever I touch it, it sucks 85% of the moisture out of my body...Bootleg production values aside, the album itself sounds amazing. I was expecting...I dunno...bootleg sound? But this is total pro. If it came in a glossy cover I wouldn't question it for a moment...

I can't convey to you how much an improvement over "Bluejeans and Moonbeams" this is...I can't even comprehend how the same person made both albums...and in such a short amount of time. I'm serious, put on the song "Bluejeans and Moonbeams" (the final song on the last album) and then play "Bat Chain Puller" (the first song from this album) and watch your head explode. The title track is a perfect encapsulation of Beefheart's career up to this point (minus two icky albums)...It's bluesy, yet tied into avant-garde knots (ala "Trout Mask") and accessible in the "Spotlight Kid"/"Clear Spot" manner, which would be the formula that would define the remainder of Beefheart's music career.  In fact, he would re-record 10 of these tracks and use them over the course of his following three albums ("Shiny Beast," "Doc at the Radar Station" and "Ice Cream for Crow" which I'd argue form the most consistent stretch of albums the band would release). 

Sure, it's not all perfect...I still think the music-hall pastiche "Harry Irene" is below Beefheart (to be honest, it probably would have fit right in on the previous two albums) and the two acapella spoken word tracks ("Poop Hatch" and "Apes-Ma") are pretty worthless, but the rest is gold...Sure, if you're a Beefheart fan you already have most of these songs, but these are completely different (and sometimes superior version). Drier...More direct. This particular version of the song "Bat Chain Puller" is in the running for my personal favorite Beefheart track...

 
The two songs they never re-recorded are good too! I honestly have zero idea why "Seam Crooked Sam" was never used. It's one of those "Ice Cream For Crow" type tracks where the Captain delivers surreal poetry ("Dora robbed a baby through a dark bebop, Licorice lenses fogged in hot sorrow...") over a jagged, tumbling backing..."Odd Jobs" follows roughly the same format except the spoken word unexpectedly turns into a lightweight melody for punctuation... 

This really was one of the great unreleased albums...Glad somebody finally released it. Sad it went out of print again...Happy I found a bootleg...I know this thing has seen many an unofficial release, so I can't speak for all the various versions out there, but I can tell you the silk-screened one with the rough cardboard cover is a solid buy...

So let's listen to some Beefy...Here's  "Brickbats"...Hope you like squonky horns...

Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band: Bluejeans & Moonbeams

Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band: Bluejeans & Moonbeams

1974

Virgin Records

Format I Own it on: Vinyl

Track Listing: 1. Party of Special Things to Do  2.Same Old Blues  3. Observatory Crest  4. Pompadour Swamp  5. Captain's Holiday  6. Rock 'n Roll's Evil Doll  7.  Further Than We've Gone  8. Twist ah Luck  9. Bluejeans & Moonbeams


Oh, man, what happened? Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band were on such a roll, culminating in a career highlight in the highly-accessible  "Clear Spot,." But when that album flopped commercially, Beefheart decided to take the sell-out even further. In a failed attempt to convince us that he was the Captain in "Captain & Tennille" with the fairly awful "Unconditionally Guaranteed" (which I don't' own, but I listened to it online and can confirm it is pretty damn uninspiring).  "Bluejeans and Moonbeams" is the second album in that unfortunate "Tragic Band" series....

I knew of "Bluejeans..." bad reputation but I found a pristine UK Virgin Records pressing and something about that stunning album cover just made me buy it...I couldn't resist its pull...Now, at this point I hadn't heard the album, so I didn't 100% know what to expect...I knew it was considered a low-point, but I can't tell you how many times I've listened to a band's alleged "worst album" and ended up loving it...So I try not to judge an album until I get the chance to wrap my judging ears around it...

And when I first started up the album, things sure sounded promising! The first thing you hear is the Captain dryly intone, "The camel wore a nightie..." Well, alright! I can get behind that! Unfortunately that one acapella line is probably the highpoint of the album. I mean, "Party of Special Things to Do" (the song the line is attached to) isn't bad...It's a perfectly serviceable white-blues track,  but it seems awfully bland...And it turns out it's one of the best songs on the album!

'Same Old Blues" is where it struck me what a slump the band was in...A J.J. Cale cover? Isn't that Eric Clapton's job? Remember those reams of brilliant lyrics and gritty, skewed rhythms that made Captain Beefheart great? Bleh, none of that here...Y'know, I might still take this over a Clapton album from the same era. If only because Beefheart was still a much better singer  (even in his zombified form) but that's probably not saying much, since I'd probably prefer a day at the DMV to a mid-70's Clapton album...

I go back and forth on the merits of "Observatory Crest." The stiff melody and sentiment is definitely entertaining, but I'm also simultaneously annoyed by it...This might be the only place on the album where the novelty of Captain Beefheart going yacht-rock lives up to its "entertaining train-wreck" promise...I guess this album is notable for containing the single worst song in the band's discography with "Captain's Holiday." I honestly think 6 minutes of silence would have been the more entertaining option...It's just some soulful back-up singers cooing, "Oooo, Captain, Captain!" over the most unforgettable instrumental possible...Why, oh why?

The only song on here that I truly love is "Twist ah Luck" which shows that the path to AM radio didn't need to be such a hard road...An up-tempo funk boogie that momentarily turns my opinion of the album around for the few minutes that it's on...But then the title track comes on next with the cheesiest synthesizer fanfare possible and suddenly I remember to puke again...Every so often I'll run across some reviewer online trying to redeem this album, but it's a total lost cause...There are many  albums much more worthy of redemption than this...Still, it kills me to say anything bad about Captain Beefheart. He gave us some of the best music ever made...Let's just bury this one and we'll pretend it never happened, eh?

I do find it odd that out of all the notoriously "difficult" albums Captain Beefheart has made, this easy-listening bid for mainstream acceptance is the hardest for me to listen to...If "Trout Mask Replica" can be brain-bending in places at least it engages the brain...This just has a way of drifting through one ear and out the other without touching any gray matter...Ultimately, I think this album would have made an excellent 12" single..."Twist ah Luck" backed with "Party of Special Things to Do" (ah, what the hell, throw in a flexi with "Observatory Crest" on it).  I say 12" single cos I love the album cover so damn much and would hate to see it shrunk down...

It's Friday, right? No? Only Thursday night? Ah, close enough...Let's crack open a beer...Howzabout one of those delicious-ass Shock Top Pretzel Beers?

What?! The don't make them anymore? Major boner-killer...Ah, well...At least they don't have the Honey Bourbon ones that taste like Honey Halls Mentho-Lyptus...

Ah, well, Spiced Banana it is! Happy Friday everybody! We made it through another week! Toast!

 Here's "Twist ah Luck" by Captain Beeheart"...Enjoy...

Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band: Clear Spot

 Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band: Clear Spot

1972

Reprise Records

Format I Own it on: Vinyl

Track Listing: 1. Low Yo Yo Stuff  2. Nowadays a Woman's Gotta Hit a Man  3. Too Much Time  4. Circumstances  5. My Head Is My Only House Unless It Rains  6. Sun Zoom Spark  7. Clear Spot  8. Crazy Little Thing  9. Long Neck Bottles  10. Her Eyes Are a Blue Million Miles  11. Big Eyed Beans from Venus  12. Golden Birdies



I hear that this record originally had a clear cover for the first pressing...My version is just the usual white cover with Captain Beefheart wearing a Raiden hat...

But when I cracked open my used copy, the previous owner left something freakin' awesome in there for me...

An old Rolling Stone article about Captain Beefheart entitled, "Where's the Captain?"  I scanned it in so you guys could see it, but my scanner is about 6 inches big, so it couldn't quite fit the full page (these pages are from the days when Rolling Stone was a tabloid-sized publication), but that didn't prevent me from scanning it anyway...

 The first page is a beautiful photo of Beefheart, his mustache resplendent in the desert breeze...They always had great photos in these old RS magazines...If you ever see an old 70's-mid 80's issue lying around, crack one open and look at how nice they used to look...They're kinda eye-splitting now...If they do happen to photograph a real musician these days, they usually do the whole  "ultra-close black and white photo meant to accentuate what big wrinkle-bags old musicians are" thing...

 

On  the following page we have a picture of a model named Nahanni Johnstone from Dallas, Texas...I'm not sure what she's selling...There's some vague text at the bottom that informs us that she's "Spiritually aware and always trying new things..." Oh, wait...I just noticed the button on her jacket says "Esprit"...I think they might manufacture clothes or something...I wouldn't know, I don't wear clothes...I just sit naked in front of a computer all day...

Here's a page of text that's probably impossible for you to read, thanks to my shitty printer...Beefheart talks about how much he hates Charlton Heston, whom he predicts will be the next President of the United States...The Captain also discusses his usual subjects like the plight of animals and the superiority of women to men...He also talks about how much he likes Eric Feldman as a person, which I remember reading a lot about in the Captain Beefheart book that Klae bought me...

Next, there's one of his paintings entitled "Bromboline Frenzy." This article is from 1987 or somewhere around that time frame, so at this point Beefheart had long abandoned music for painting...

Another page of text accompanied by a photo of Ted "Theodore" Logan drinking Amaretto...Sometimes I drink Amaretto mixed with Scotch...Yum! This page gives us some insight into some of the things Captain Beefheart enjoys. A partial list includes: Cats, cotton pajamas, tailored suits, La Phraogue single-malt whiskey, red enamel thumbtacks, that old Cootie game, and the smell of Fungus/and or Loam....I don't know what "La Phraogue" whiskey is... They could possibly mean Laphroaig scotch...But I don't know...I can only afford "Winner's Cup"...

 Another nice picture...The big quote about seeing the universe inside a Hamilton Beach Mixer is eye-catching...

Alright, enough about the miscellanea floating around inside the sleeve, let's talk about the record itself...It rules! Beefheart at his most accessible and...gulp...best! After listening to this back to back with "The Spotlight Kid," I've gotta say this is far superior...Much catchier,  exuberant and lively...They snagged big-shot producer Ted Templemen who is famous for his work with Van Halen, the Doobie Brothers, Van Morrison, Little Feat and about a billion other million-sellers. The sound is incredible...Much thicker, clearer and muscular than the majority of Beefheart albums. And Don brought his A-Game in the songwriting Department..." Low Yo Yo Stuff" just comes right out and flattens you with its funky, bluesy swagger. And "Circumstances" might just be the hardest the band ever rocked...Contrast this with the lumbering heaviosity on "The Spotlight Kid." This is much more nimble...Real souped-up muscle-car shit...

Best of all though is the Stax-Style soul influence that pops up on songs like "Too Much Time" and "My Head Is My Only House Unless It Rains"...After his recent run of  far-out, cerebral albums it became easy to lose sight at what a great straight-soul singer he was on some of those earlier records. And the band plays this stuff beautifully...That guitar line on "My Head..." just makes you want to melt...Oh, and "Too Much Time" has what is possibly my favorite Beefheart line:

Sometimes when it’s late and I’m a little bit hungry

 I heat up some old stale beans, open up a can of sardines, 

eat crackers and dream of somebody to cook for me..."

 

 And somehow he imbues that line with a considerable amount of poignancy...Really every single lyric on here is pure gold...So much vivid imagery: Whether he's singing about "Sleepin’ in a bayou on a old rotten cot..." on the title track or when he's commanding Zoot Horn Rollo to "Hit that long lunar note and let it float..." there's just so much here to take in...

This gets my highest possible recommendation...Just go out and find a copy at any cost...It's the odd Captain Beefheart album that I think anybody would enjoy...If you'e into blues, classic rock, southern rock, funk, alternative, soul, punk or totally oddball shit then you'll find something to like here...I curse all those years I walked around Earth not knowing "Long Neck Bottles" or "Big Eyed Beans From Venus"...What a hollow, empty shell of a man I was!

Here's "Long Neck Bottles" by Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band...Enjoy...

Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band: The Spotlight Kid

Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band: The Spotlight Kid

1972

Reprise Records

Format I Own it on: Vinyl

Track Listing: 1.  I'm Gonna Booglarize You Baby  2. White Jam  3. Blabber 'n Smoke  4. When It Blows Its Stacks  5. Alice in Blunderland  6. The Spotlight Kid  7. Click Clack  8. Grow Fins  9. There Ain't No Santa Claus on the Evenin' Stage  10. Glider


In the three years I've been doing this blog, I've been slowly acquiring random Captain Beefheart albums in no particular chronological order. As a result, my Beefheart posts are so all-over-the-place... If you're not familiar with his discography it might be hard to tell where all this stuff falls into place but his career is broke up into very distinct eras...

"Spotlight Kid" was the follow-up to the two notoriously difficult, spattery albums ("Trout Mask Replica" and "Lick my Decals Off, Baby") on which the band's legend was built upon. While their inventiveness built Captain Beefheart a dedicated cult following, he decided he was sick of obscurity and made an accessible album that would sound great on FM radio circa 1972 (and maybe rake in a few bucks while he was at it)....And how did he accomplish this?

He bought a spiffy suit and wrote some un-spattery blues rock songs. Sure, song titles like "There Ain't No Santa Claus on the Evenin' Stage" may raise flags now, but this wasn't too far removed  from an era where a song called  "I Am the Walrus" could top the charts...And these slow, heavy blues tracks sound great...And while the Captain's vocals are still a bit idiosyncratic, there's no denying how powerful he sounds here...If the lyrics are oblique, the soul is there...All in all, I think if someone could handle, say...the White Stripes, the "Spotlight Kid" album wouldn't seem too startling (although the extra-chunky marimba might raise a few eyebrows...And maybe those guttural "Ho Ho Ho Ho's" on "There Ain't No Santa Claus..." might be a bit much for some folks). But I greatly admire the way they made a more accessible record without losing their unique identity.

It's also notable that the album is credited to Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band, rather than the usual His Magic Band...Was he loosening his grip?  Nah, I'm guessing it was another move towards mainstream acceptance. The "His" sounded like you might be getting into some weird, arty thing...Inept Radio Programmers introducing the band would probably screw it up and say "The Magic Band" anyway, so might as well beat 'em to the punch...

There's a few all-time classics here...Including the spare, mysterious, deep-swamp blues, 'Grow Fins.". I'm not someone who normally falls head-over-heels in love with electric blues rock, however I so get it when I hear this...Suddenly, those countless bland hours spent listening to the mind-numbing string-bending of Eric Clapton melt away with every thrust and howl of the Magic Band...I also love "When It Blows Its Stacks"" which has a stomping, distorted riff  that wouldn't sound out of place on an early Black Sabbath album...

Honestly, even though "Trout Mask Replica" is the Beefheart album that is always singled out, I would probably point newcomers to the one-two punch of "The Spotlight Kid" and the follow-up album "Clear Spot" (which we'll get to in a day or so) as the obvious entry points. Then move onto the run of albums from "Shiny Beat" through "Ice Cream For Crow"... After that you're ready for everything else in the discography (outside of "Unconditionally Guaranteed" and "Bluejeans & Moonbeams" which you'll probably want to skip altogether!! But we'll get to that in a few days)...

So let's listen to "Grow Fins"...Sounds good to me...Enjoy...

Grim Reaper: See You in Hell

Hi, this is Jamin. Sorry, yet again, I can't post a blog entry today. Y'see, as I was changing my flat tire, I was kidnapped by Libyans and now they're demanding $20,000.00 for my return, but the U.S. Embassy isn't picking up their phone, so blah, blah, blah...I might be stuck here awhile...Luckily my cousin, Jimmy Camaro, said he would fill in for one more day, so let's make him feel welcome...Take it away, Jimmy...



 Grim Reaper: See You in Hell

1983.

Ebony Records

Format I Own it on: Vinyl

Track Listing: 1. See You in Hell  2. Dead on Arrival  3. Liar  4. Wrath of the Ripper  5. Now or Never  6. Run for Your Life  7. The Show Must Go On  8. All Hell Let Loose


I chose  this particular album because it just so happens that I'm going to the Infected Dragon this weekend to get the album cover tattooed across my entire back...

I thought that getting this tattooed on my back would make a great 25th anniversary present for my wife. The guy said that a tattoo of that magnitude would usually cost at least a couple grand, but he's going to do it for only $200 if I agree to sign a waiver and allow them to use used needles.

Now, you may ask yourself, "Jimmy, why this album and not, say, a Molly Hatchet album cover?"



The answer is easy. I love this fucken album. Normally, I'm more of a Sammy Hagar/Early-Speedwagon guy and tend to shy away from the 666 stuff, but my friend Rat (who got the nickname after eating a piece of cheese out of a dog's ass) introduced me to this. At first I was like, "Dude! Why show me this devil stuff? I'm down with the Man Upstairs if you know what I mean. If I'm going to listen to hardcore metal I'll listen to Stryper (or the Nuge who, I believe, is a devout Christian)." But he kept popping it into the cassette deck in my Trans Am and you know what?  It wasn't that bad. They certainly talk a lot about hell, but in my opinion they're not actually worshiping it, so it's alright.

What does it sound like? Imagine Judas Priest if they didn't act so macho all the time.

 Grim Reaper's not afraid to throw in a nice power ballad for the ladies. Hence,  album highlight "The Show Must Go On." But what's admirable is that Steve Grimmett doesn't sound like a big pussy doing it. His tender vocal performance has a stoic dignity that must have driven the girls crazy along with his rugged, British, good looks...

Now, I'm not a faig, but if I had to make love to just one man it would definitely be Steve Grimmet. He of the gale-force howl and lion-like mane (remind me to delete this blog post when I'm not soused on Red Dog).

My Greatest Accomplishment: Me and my friend, the Alimentary Salamander ('Mander for short), were at the Ogema County Fair circa 1988. As I walked down the midway, a certain carnival mirror caught my eye....

You're seeing it right. A fucking "See You in Fucking Hell" carnival mirror. I paid the good man a dollar and got my ball to throw at the pyramid of milk bottles.

 I gave it my best pitch but...A miss! But I wasn't going to go home without that mirror, so I handed the Carny another dollar, but another miss. And another and another! I was forkin' over dollar bills left and right, but then on my 500th try...POW! A direct hit! So it cost me half a grand, but it was worth it. It now hangs prominently on the wall in my mancave next to my $20,000.00 Budweiser Frog mirror...

Jealous? The Frog Mirror was actually a gift that I gave to my wife for our 15th anniversary. Her gift to me that year? Well, let's just say she let me bang her sister for one night, who looks exactly like my wife, except she's ten-times hotter (because she has a third boob)...

That'll be a hard anniverary to top, so I think this year we're just going to renew our vows, except we're going to be having an all-camo wedding...

At the end of the ceremony, the flower girl is going to open a cage and release 25 ducks (one for each year of our marriage) and the bridesmaids and the best man are going to shewt them all...At the reception we'll have a wedding cake made out of 1500 scooter pies...Mmmmm MMMM!!

(Jimmy suddenly realizes his character has gotten away from him. Takes a minute to regain his composure and rediscover his core)...

Listen, it's Friday Night. I had fun fuckin' around on this faiggy blog, but I got places to go, beers to drink, pussies to fuck.

- Jimmy Camaro

(Denim-nista, Lifestyle blogger)

Quiet Riot: Metal Health

Hello, this is Jamin. I was on my way back from the blogger's convention and I got a flat tire. My cousin, Jimmy Camaro, is going to take over the blog again while I'm out., and he's pulling another oldie from his vast collection...Actually, I'm not even sure if he owns any new stuff...Although I have caught him listening to Nickelback a few times...Hopefully, I'll be back in action tomorrow..Take it away, Jimmy...

 

Quiet Riot: Metal Health

1983

Pasha Records

Format I Own it on: Vinyl

Track Listing: 1. Metal Health (Bang Your Head)  2. Cum on Feel the Noize  3. Don't Wanna Let You Go  4. Slick Black Cadillac  5. Love's a Bitch  6. Breathless  7. Run for Cover  8. Battle Axe  9. Let's Get Crazy  10. Thunderbird


I remember it must have been right before I started 10th grade. My old man got us hooked up to cable and I spent the summer of '83 stroking off to the Spice Channel...

See, this was before the internet and online porn. Back then, if you wanted to see a chick bone a dog, you had to pay Sharon Bundt 10 bucks. You might get lucky and find your Dad's secret stash of Juggs magazine, but that was rare. So the adult channels on the cable-box were a big deal.  Anyway, in between spanks, I'd wait for my balls to refill while flipping through the other channels. One day, I ran across a new station called MTV and they were playing some video by a band called Quiet Riot.

As soon as I heard "Mad (Drive You (Metal Health Will( Bang Your Head))))" I knew I had to drive to the Woolworth's immediately and buy me a copy.  The album soon became the soundtrack to the Summer of '83. I'm telling you, there wasn't a Trans Am that wasn't booming "Cum on Feel the Noize." Which I think was a cover song by Slayer or somebody. I don't know, I'm not normally into that Devil stuff. (I know we have freedom of religion in America, but that doesn't mean Satanism. It means you can be any kind of Christian that you like. i.e: Catholic, Protestant, etc. They didn't have to specify that, because people weren't so stupid back then. America won't be around in another 10 years anyway. Especially if Hillary is elected. Remember 7 years ago when I warned y'all on facebook what would happen if we elected Obozo into the White House?  Does plague of locusts and America falling under Shiara Law ring any bells? Well, look out your window and tell me what you see? Yup, seems old Jimmy was right again. Have fun getting stoned by Mooslims. I'll be safe in my bunker getting stoned on Schlitz.)

Hey! I used to have the same jacket as the guy on the cover! I loved the metal-face guy so much that I built a sculpture of him out of Bond-O and put it on the hood of my '82. But the sculpture kept crumbling whenever I'd hit 110mph on M-65.

I have "Metal Health" on vinyl, but I don't know why. CD's are so much better. Crystal clear digital sound, man. That's all I'm saying. The only way I've gotten my vinyl to sound good is by suspending my record player from the ceiling using a couple of non-conducting vibranium cables. Otherwise, the turntable picks up all kinds of vibrations, distorting the signal.

The only thing I don't like about the album is the label on the record, which shows a man's ass. I am not cool with that. If I wanted to look at a man's ass, I'd buy a record by Manassas! I ended up scraping the label off with a razorblade so people wouldn't think I was a faig. The album sounds much better without it. 

And I'm proud to say this album helped my decision to go into the field of metal health, where I've worked for the past 15 years. I've helped all kinds of metal patients (everyone from re-re's to total nutjobs) get the medicine and help they so desperately need.  Whenever I see one of my patients on TV and the watch the judge reject their plea of "insanity," it really makes all the sweat, hard work and long hours worth it.

As for Quiet Riot, they put out a couple more albums after this but they all sucked.  Then in 2000-something, vocalist Kevin DuBrow tragically passed away. Rest in Peace, buddy. I know you're up there in Heaven, doin' lines with Jimi and motorboatin' Janis Joplin.

Love, Jimmy MF-ing Camaro (Conservative Facebooker and motorboat enthusiast).

W.A.S.P: The Last Command

Hi everybody...

This is Jamin. I wanted to let everybody know that I'm going to be attending a blogger's convention in Peoria this week...While I'm away, my cousin Jimmy Camaro is going to be taking over the blog, reviewing a few fine selections from his personal music collection...So without further ado, here's Jimmy...

(Jimmy Camaro: World-renowned writer and shiv enthusiast, )

W.A.S.P: The Last Command

1985

Capital Records

Format I Own it on: Vinyl

Track Listing:  1. Wild Child  2. Ballcrusher  3. Fistful of Diamonds  4. Jack Action  5. Widowmaker  6. Blind in Texas  7. Cries in the Night  8. The Last Command  9. Running Wild in the Streets  10. Sex Drive


Is this thing on?

Hey, this is Jimmy. My faggy, fifteenth cuz-int on my uncle's side asked me to write some shit about some records I liked, so I went with "The Last Command" by W.A.S.P. This record always reminds me of my senior year. Smokin' dope in shop class, fuckin' Lisa Rogers in the Custodian's closet and telling Mr. Rice to fuck off! There's no ballads or pussy non-electric guitars here. Nope, Blackie Wallace didn't do that shit. He was all about pussy and killing people and shit.

  I'll always remember driving around in the summer of '85 in my '82 Trans Am (remember that show "Knight Rider"? The producer of that show ripped off my car to use in that series. And as usual, I didn't receive a royalty check). I'd cruise around with Jeff,  Rat, the Fag and Beard-of-Sores and we'd blast this cassette. I'll never forget the night we all stopped to pick up Karen McKinley, who had the biggest titties in 12th grade.

 She was fine, man. They don't make girls like that anymore. I swear, back in my day, girls had bigger hooters. Anyway, there would always be the big Friday Night Esmond Road Cruise, where all the kids polished up their hot-rods and paraded up and down the city streets.  All us cool kids would just drink Schlitz, check out girls and blast "Wild Child" by W.A.S.P.  It was one of those nights that I got to motorboat Karen's gazongas for the first time. And I'm proud to say, 25 years later I'm still motorboatin' them funbags. Yup, Karen accepting my proposal at the '88 Iosco County Mud Bog and we've stayed married to this very day.  She's blessed me with 7 wonderful children and they all love W.A.S.P, just like their old man.

Outside of Hagar, I don't think I've seen a band in concert as many times as I have W.A.S.P.  I've seen them once in 1986 at the Pontiac Palace,  three times at Art Door Arena in the early 90's, 182 times at the Ogema County Fair in the 2000's (where I got to eat an elephant ear with Chris Holmes, true story) and 365 times at the Spending Eagle Casino (where they've been doing a year-long residency).  The best show they ever did however was at the "Metal on the High Seas" Cruise Ship Getaway (to which Karen and I had tickets, heh heh...) where they played, you guessed it, "The Last Command" in its entirety! Greatest show I've seen in my entire life. When the band finished with "Sex Drive" there wasn't a clothed boob in the house. Everybody went nuts! It felt like I was back in 1985 again, cruising Esmond Road: Mirror shades on, Jordache tight, cuffs rolled, the collar on my jean jacket popped, soft pack of Newports rolled up in my T-shirt sleeve. Not a care in the world.

They don't make music like this anymore. Now all they have is this hip-hop shit, where they do nothin' but talk about "Ho's" and killing each other with guns. It's disgusting! Whatever happened to songs about fine young things?! Songs about killing each other with chainsaws?!?! Ever since we elected Obummer in the White House, the whole country's gone  to hell! Oh, well. I have my bunker packed with cans of split pea soup and enough firearms to fight off radioactive mutants for the next quarter-century!

 Yea, we'll see how big a joke you libs think I am then! You'll be begging me to get into my fortified concrete compound and I'll just sit back laughin'. You guys voted for him. I'll be motorboatin' my wife's big cans and listening to W.A.S.P. sing "Ballbuster" on the hi-fi like nothin' ever happened...

Oh yea, before I got all hopped up on politics (hope y'all learned somethin'), I meant to go back to the shop class thing. In my 12th grade, I got my first ever "A+." And how did I get that A+? For my final project, I carved "The Gods you worship are Steel, at the altar of rock n' roll you kneel" on a wooden paddle and lacquered it. I started it on the first day of class and 162 hours and two fingers later, it was completed. Mr. Reed loved it so much he gave me the highest grade possible.  Heh, heh (puts hands behind back contentedly and leans back in LA-Z Boy). Thanks, Blackie. Without you, I wouldn't be where I am today. And that's sincere.

-Love, Jimmy MF'ing Camaro...