Like drinking gallons of brandy and eggnog...
...and building a sweltering dirtman (since we don't have snow in Arizona...)
...Or I might decide to provide a burnt offering to the dread Christmas-Beast Krampus...
All sorts of fun things to do on Christmas!
My original plan was to do a whole week of Holiday albums but Christmas kind of sneaked up on me this year...Additionally, I don't have enough Christmas albums to fill a full week, so I just combined them all into one post... So put on your Christmas shoes, Rob Lowe, cos we're jumping right in...
Johnny Cash: The Christmas Spirit
1963
Columbia Records
Format I Own it on: Vinyl
Track Listing: 1. The Christmas Spirit 2. I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day 3. Blue Christmas 4. The Gifts They Gave 5. Here Was a Man 6. Christmas as I Knew It 7. Silent Night 8. The Little Drummer Boy 9. Ringing the Bells for Jim 10. We Are the Shepherds 11. Who Kept the Sheep 12. Ballad of the Harp Weaver
I bought this along with the other stack of Johnny Cash records I covered a few months back, but I decided to skip it, since it made more sense to discuss it at Christmastime...
You ever hear that old statistic that claims suicide rates are the highest around the Holidays? Well, that's probably because they listened to this album and decided life was too bleak to continue...Man, there's some sad-sack stuff on here...
"Ringing the Bells for Jim" is about his brother dying on Christmas, "Ballad of Harp Weaver" is about a Mother killing herself to provide winter clothes for her son and "Here Is a Man" gives the gritty details about the crucifixion of Christ...and they're all delivered in that grave, spoken word style that Johnny uses when he's looking to put a lump in your throat about a flag or whatnot. I mean, I guess somebody has to say this stuff....
It's not all death and destruction though...When he takes on the standards, the album is frequently as serene and beautiful as you could expect a Christmas album to be...But you should really check this out for "We Are the Shepherds," where Johnny does the greatest low note I've ever heard...When I played this on headphones, the "Wee-e-e-e-e-e..." in the chorus it made my eardrums rattle and itch...
So I recommend this if you're hardy of spirit, but if you're feeling a little overwhelmed this holiday season, this might topple you into the abyss...I give it three nooses...
Here's "I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day" by Johnny Cash...Enjoy...
Elvis Presley: Elvis' Christmas Album
1970
RCA/Camden Records
Format I Own it on: Vinyl
Track Listing: 1. Blue Christmas 2. Silent Night 3. White Christmas 4. Santa Claus Is Back in Town 5. I'll Be Home for Christmas 6. If Every Day Was Like Christmas 7. Here Comes Santa Claus 8. O Little Town of Bethlehem 9. Santa, Bring My Baby Back to Me (to Me) 10. Mama Liked the Roses
My Mom is a huge Elvis fan, and played his music often, so I grew up with stuff. I distinctly remember she had the 8-track of "Elvis' Christmas Album" and "The Wonderful World of Christmas."
"Elvis' Christmas Album" has been released many times with many different track listings and covers...
It was originally released in 1957 with a festive red cover. This version contained 12 songs, four of which were previously released gospel recordings from an earlier EP...
The version I have is a 1970 reissue, which has 10 tracks. This pressing drops the four gospel numbers and replaces them with the 1966 single "If Everyday Was Like Christmas" and a random, maudlin non-holiday song called "Mama Liked the Roses."
I've always been a Christmas fanatic...I live for this time of year, and as bad as I am now, I was even worse as a kid...Sure, I was practically foaming at the mouth to open gifts but it was more than that...I loved everything about it, even the little things like...
...Hearing those ominous tribal drums and then seeing that swirling rainbow "Special" logo they used to play before the Christmas cartoons...
Getting pulled behind a snowmobile at 40 miles per hour in a flimsy plastic sled (and the resulting head injuries)...
Waking up on Christmas Day to a stocking full of Garbage Pail Kids, Silly Putty and Comic Books...But most of all I loved the music...I was grateful for every piece of Christmas music I could get my hands on, and as a result those Elvis 8-tracks got quite the workout in December...
And maybe it's just the fact that I heard these so much as a child but, to me, Elvis has the perfect voice to sing Christmas songs...So velvety and comforting, like putting on a big, fuzzy Christmas sweater, and sitting in your favorite chair, listening to a crackling fire while looking peacefully at the twinkling lights on the tree...
Well, while we wait for the Fire Department to show up, let's listen to "Here Comes Santa Claus" by Elvis...Which I swear, is the most Christmassy song ever...That good holiday feeling pressed onto flimsy 70's budget-label wax...Enjoy...
Alvin and the Chipmunks: Christmas With the Chipmunks
1961
Liberty Records
Format I Own it on: Vinyl
Track Listing: 1. Here Comes Santa Claus 2. Up on the House-Top 3. Silver Bells 4. Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer 5. Jingle Bells 6. Over the River and Through the Woods 7. Santa Claus is Coming to Town 8. It's Beginning to Look Like Christmas 9. Frosty the Snowman 10. White Christmas 11. The Chipmunk Song 12. We Wish You a Merry Christmas
Hands down my favorite Christmas album as a child. It's weird, because as a kid, I was extremely resistant to "children's music." I just hated all of it...It never rocked and it always felt so phony...You can keep your "Do Your Ears Hang Low"...I wanted Kiss, AC/DC and Nazareth!
But for some reason, the Chipmunks Christmas album was a big exception. The version I have now is on vinyl (which I bought at the short-lived Tucson shop "Nostalgic Novelties," which was the most awesome place ever... I only got to go there once, but I damn near blew a whole paycheck there...The place was floor to ceiling with 70's and 80's stuff...
I drove back there a week later and the place was gone...Oh well...)
But originally I had this album on cassette...
I swear to you, me and my brother would put this on the stereo at night and the tape would just endlessly play while we slept...I can vividly remember one night I woke from a dead sleep to hear the tape being mangled by the stereo...Chipmunks voices began to speed up even further and warp! I ran to the tape deck to salvage it but was horrified to realize I had arrived too late...The tape was gone...
I was inconsolable...Hysterical! How could this happen?!?!?! Christmas was ruined for sure without the dulcet tones of Alvin and the boys singing "It's Beginning to Look Like Christmas!"
My Mom was kind enough to drive to the drug store the next day and pick us up another copy! Thanks, Mom! Christmas is back on!
I still think this is one of the most solid Christmas albums out there..It's so much fun and the song selection is absolute perfection! These are the exact songs I think about when I think of Christmas...And I honestly find Dave's tender rendition of "Silver Bells" to be moving...I highly recommend this album, especially if you have kids...If they're anything like me (ahem...Paternity Test...) those buggers'll lose their damn minds when they hear it...
Here's "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" by Alvin and the Chipmunks...
Rudy Ray Moore: The Rudy Ray Moore Christmas Album (Merry Christmas, Baby)
197X (Can't find a date on the record or anywhere online...but it's definitely from the early 70's)
Format I Own it on: Vinyl
Track Listing: 1. Merry Christmas, Baby and more... 2. The Night Before Christmas and Still More...
I'm a long-time Rudy Ray Moore admirer...I've written countless songs about him, and I've seen all his movies hundreds of times, so it was a no-brainer when I came across this record and saw Rudy, naked as the day he was born (which in itself is nothing new), decorating the Christmas tree with a bunch of righteous nude chicks...It took me half a second to buy it, and even though $5.98 is prominently printed in the upper left-hand corner I ended up paying nearly twice that, but it was worth every penny...
I think you either find Rudy's stiff, lumbering delivery endlessly hilarious or you just don't...To me, there's nothing funnier than when Rudy slowly delivers his set-up and you can see the punchline coming a mile away but you just don't know where the cussing is going to be...To me, he's a master of profanity...He savors every foul world, so a word as seemingly simple as "ass" ends up being delivered, with gusto, as "aaayyyy-usssss!"
In my opinion the best thing about the album is the rating system on the back cover...Side one is totally clean, no swearing, just clean jokes and some songs (anybody who has seen any of his films is familiar with his voice, since he always ends up singing most of the songs in his movies...). As a result, this side is awarded with a "G" rating...
Side Two is a completely different story...This is where Rudy unleashes his trademark blue humor (which peaks with a hysterical retelling of "Twas the Night Before Christmas.") This side is branded with an "X" rating...But wait, he combines the two and gives an "Overall Rating" of "R." This is really hilarious to me, for some reason...I can't help but translate the logic into Hollywood terms, which would be the equivalent of a theater showing "Bambi" for 40 minutes and "Deep Throat" for the last 40 minutes and giving the entire thing an "R" rating.
Just a solid, entertaining forty minutes...Again, the jokes themselves aren't generally funny but the delivery is always gut-bustingly hilarious. Fans of Rudy Ray Moore and 70's party records will get plenty of enjoyment from this...So before you get lit up like a Christmas tree and lie down on your water bed with your fine, fine lady, let's turn on the steer-eo...
Here's "Merry Christmas, Baby" by Rudy Ray Moore. Merry Xmas everybody...
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