The 2013 Friday Night Record Party Blog Music Awards:
Happy New Year's Eve everybody! I'm your host Jamin 80, and tonight we're rolling out the red carpet for the quasi-annual Friday Night Record Party Blog Music Awards (the FNRPBMA's or "Fernerpies" for short...) where I dole out my unwarranted opinions about music...
So without further ado, here's what I consider to be the finest musical moments of 2013...ahem...
THE BEST ALBUM OF 2013:
Yes! You guessed it! "Pure Heroine" by Lordy! Hey! I finally have a reason to listen to that shitty, overly-auto-tuned luxury pop that I've always had to pretend I hated (when all along I've actually been jerking it to Miley Cyrus!) See, this is ironic! I swear, guys! Lordy is actually ambivalent about luxury rap, yet she does it anyway so she can have hits! Ha Ha! Geneyouse! She fooled you! Y'see, Lordy is a real-deal misunderstood artiste...She has too much taste to actually like this shit...(Turns into real Jamin suddenly) Good. Then I don't have to like it either. (shuts off shitty Lorde album).
THE OTHER BESTEST ALBUM OF 2013:
Kanye West: Yeezus
Kenny West proves himself to be the true boundary-pushing genius of the new millennium on "Yeezus." Listen to this guys range! He boasts about himself on "I Am God," brags about himself on "Black Skinhead," exults himself on "Bound 2," gloats about himself on "Hold My Liquor," and in his most daring moment yet, he toots his own horn on "On Sight." True future-shock, metal-machine, dark-hop, retro-handjobbing hip/hap...Who knows what he'll brag about next (spoiler: himself)...
THE BESTY BEST BEST ALBUM OF 2013:
Miley Cyrus: Bangerz
Wee-ohh! Who would have suspected that underneath all that nudity lied the beating heart of a true artist! Nobody expected "Bangerz" to be this good! Miley finally grows up! Look at all the new-found maturity on display on "Love Money Party (featuring Nelly and Big Jeezey)," or the spectre of adulthood hanging over the angsty "#Getitright (featuring Macklemore and Chad Kroeger (of Nickelback (featuring Nelly and Juicy Jeezbot of the 2-Coat Mafia (featuring Pinki Boobybutt)))" Sure, it sucks but isn't music supposed to suck sometimes? Can't we just have fun listening to sucky music cos we suck so much? Life's short! Why not suck?! To sum things up, twerk twerk twerk selfie cronut twerk 2013 twerk twerk...
THE BESTER-EST ALBUM OF 2013:
Arcade Fire: Reflektor
I like this album cos it has a wing-wong on the cover...
THE BETTER THAN BEST ALBUM OF 2013:
Sky Ferreira: Night Time, My Time
...and I like this one cos it has a boob on the cover...and it's not even a statue boob! It's a real one!
Readers Comments:
Showing (5 of 10,000,00,000,000,000,000,000,000):
Morty Hornswallow (2 hours ago):
"I find it deeply disturbing that you included Miley Ray Cyrus' "Bangerz" but failed to include JT's '20/20 Experience' and Lady Gaga's "ARTPOP" which were clearly the best albums this year...Lady Gaga is the new Lou Reed...Lou Reed was an artist and Lady Gaga's new album has the word 'ART' on the cover, so they're the same thing...I don't know why you're too close-minded to see that..."
Prissy Pantybunch (5 minutes from now):
"I don't know why your so close-minded that you have too put down all the new music that comes out...Your an old man who only likes the music that you listened too in High School back in the 90's! Have fun siting in you're room listening too the same old Pearl Jam album for the one millionth time, you looser! I'll proudly listen to JT's geneous "The 20/20 Experience' (aka the 'Thriller' of the 2010's)."
Dillon Tightbritches (3 days ago):
"What?! Where's 'The Bones of What You Believe' by Cha-vurches? I don't know why you're too close-minded to see that it's the 'Nevermind' of the 2010's..."
Retcon Applecart (200 years ago):
"I'll never understand why people still insist that 'Nevermind' was a great album?! Nirvana has always sucked! While everyone else was going on and on about their 'Nevermind' and Grunttruck CD's, I was busy listening to Slint and a Neutral Milk Hotel album that an alien from the future gave me...And BTW, you forgot JT's genious 'The 20/20 Experience'."
Backwoods Benny (3.6 seconds ago):
"Yup. Thank Obummer and the liberals for Miley Cyrus. These days you can't even turn on the TV without seeing perverted sex,naked Miley Cyrus and Ellen pushing there sinful lifestyles on us! When will the American people wake up and see that they put a muslim in the White House and when the PC Police begin rounding you up and putting you into their Obama-run detention-centers I'll be polishing my BRO-PG9 Semi-automatic, and listening to JT's amazeballs 'The 20/20 Experience.'"
Alright, thank you all for your valuable feedback! Now I'm proud to present the greatest song of 2013...Even though it's less than a year old, it's already spoken of in the same awed, hushed tones as "Good Vibrations" or Hendrix's radical reinvention of "The Star Spangled Banner." Ladies and Gentlemen...Here's "Blurred Lines" by TV's Alan Thicke (star of "Growing Pains.")... #ALANTHICKE
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