Anthrax: I'm the Man

Anthrax: I'm the Man

1987

Island Records

Format I Own it on: Vinyl

Track Listing: 1. I'm the Man (Censored Radio Version)  2. I'm the Man (Def Uncensored Version)  3. Sabbath Bloody Sabbath  4. I'm the Man (Live)  5. Caught in a Mosh (Live)  6. I Am the Law  (Live)

Welcome to Metalhead theater...Today's episode is Anthrax...The "I'm the Man E.P"...

"Dude! Look what I scored!" 

"Woahhh!"

"The 'I'm the Man' EP! Where did you get that?" 

"I did a trade...I swapped some guy a Savatage CD for this and a King's X cassette..."

"You got ripped off dude...King's X sucks..."

"I like some of their stuff...They've actually got some pretty heavy shit in there..." 

"They suck..."

"Yea, but Anthrax is cool...This one's hard to get..."

"Yea, but it's not even a full album...I maintain a strict two full-length cassettes-per-CD trade policy..."

"An EP and a full-length cassette for a CD makes a lot of economic sense, actually...Cos a CD costs $16.99 and each full-length tape is $9.99...EP's usually only cost about $6.99..."

"Still, that only equals $16.98...I would have at least made him toss in a penny, man..."

"I'm cool with it...Although the guy's starting to run low on EP's...They only made so many of them...After 'Maiden Japan' and 'Haunting the Chapel' what else have you got?"

"Metallica, 'Garage Days,' dude..."

"Yea, but Metallica sucks..."

"Yea, but they used to rule, dude..."

 

"They used to, but ever since Cliff died, they suck..."

 

"Nuh-uh...They were good until the Black Album...That's when they sucked...'...And Justice for All' fucken ripped, dude..."

 

"Naw, man...It had a power ballad on it...Can you imagine? Metallica doing a power ballad?"

"Yea, but it was about war and shit and some dude who got his arms blasted off in war...War is fucken badass, dude..."

 

"Yea, but it's still a power ballad..."

 

"Wasn't 'Fade to Black' a power ballad?"

 

"Yea, but that was different...That was about killing yourself, dude...Killing yourself is fucken badass...Can you imagine? Just taking a gun and...BOOM! You're just dead at that point...There's no turning back...That's badass!"

 

"Yea, dude! We should totally make a suicide pact and kill ourselves...That would be metal..."

"Totally fucken metal, dude..."

"Yea..."

"But first, let's check out this Anthrax EP..."

 

(Rewinds tape and pushes play)...

"THUMP THA-THUMP THA-THUMP...NOT! THUMP THA-THUMP THA-THUMP... NOT!" (wacky record scratching)

 

"What the fuck dude? This Anthrax tape is rap?"

 

"Yea, but not all rap is bad...The Beastie Boys are alright..."

♪  "WE'RE ANTHRAX AND WE TAKE NO SHIT..." ♪

 "DUDE! TURN IT DOWN! I don't want my Mom to hear this..."

"Haha...You're afraid of your Mom...Not me...I'll say 'fuck you' and 'asshole' and 'poop butthole' in front of my Mom...I don't care...My Mom let's me play with Machetes..."

"My Mom's cool...She likes Metal and stuff...She just doesn't like swearing...But she'll listen to Metallica 'Fade to Black' and Steelheart and some of the slower stuff by Kick Tracee...

"Steelheart isn't metal, dude!"

 

"Some of it is!"

♪ "THE ONLY THING HARDER IS THE SMELL OF MY FEE-EET..." ♪

"That's fucken hilarious, dude...I'm gonna start saying that at school all the time..."

 "See?!?! I told you some rap was good..."

  "Woah! They're covering Sabbath now!"

 

"Joey sounds just like Ozzy!"

 

"I know...That's the only way I like covers...If they're exactly like the original...No difference...Otherwise, what's the point?"

"I totally agree, dude...I mean, you can make the guitar heavier, but that's it..That's the only difference I'll accept..."

"Woah!  Did you hear him cough at the end and go into 'Sweet Leaf'? That's hilarious..."

"Yea, I bet we're the only people who'll get that..."

"Even though it's mostly just re-runs of the rap song and live versions, it's a pretty good tape..."

"See, I told you, dude...Now you have to suck my dick..."

"What?!"

"Yea, remember earlier when you said if it didn't suck, then you would agree to suck my dick? Well, you just admitted that it didn't suck, start, so..." 

(unzips pants)

"I never said that!"

"Dude, you totally did!"

"No, I didn't! I'm not gay, dude!"

"Yea, me neither..."

 (zips pants back up)

******************************************************

I hope you all enjoyed Metalhead Theater....Alright, a couple of thoughts on this record...Sometimes I'm amazed at the shit I'll listen to in the name of "Nostalgia" (also see M.O.D)...But I saw this on vinyl, took one look at the cover and was instantly transported to my Junior High days, holed up in my bedroom, playing this on cassette and laughing at the dumb jokes...It's hard to imagine anybody getting much out of it these days...It's essentially a Beastie Boys pastiche, and it's beyond dopey, still I can't help but feel a twinge of warmth towards it...Maybe it has some historical import due to it being arguably the first rap-metal song, although I can't imagine anybody being too quick to claim credit when your offspring looks like this:

So this is only strictly recommended to folks who were there and even they'll probably be vaguely irritated by it...New kids won't recognize it as either rap or metal, due to the lack of blast beats and bragging about bags of money...Although it would be great if there was still some dumb, dorky kid sitting on the monkey bars with a boombox repeatedly rewinding "I'm the Man" to show the other kids the swear words...

Anyway, here's the Def Uncensored version of "I'm the Man" by Anthrax...Enjoy...