Emerson, Lake and Palmer: Tarkus

YES! THAT'S RIGHT! 

IT'S TAR-FUCKING-KUS!!!!

 Emerson, Lake and Palmer: Tarkus

1971

Island Records

Format I Own it on: Vinyl. It's the only format you should own this on...C'mon...

Track Listing: 1. Tarkus (Eruption/Stones of Years/Iconoclast/Mass/Manticore/Battlefield/Aquatarkus) 2. Jeremy Bender  3. Bitches Crystal  4. The Only Way (Hymn)  5. Infinite Space (Conclusion)  6. A Time and a Place  7. Are You Ready Eddy?

TARKUS

FREQUENCY: Very rare.
NO. APPEARING: 1
ARMOR CLASS: 19
MOVE: 9"/24"
HIT DICE: 9"/30"
HIT DICE: 10-12
TREASURE TYPE: H,R,S,T U
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Shoots ping pong balls or something out of its nose
 MAGIC RESISTANCE: Standard
INTELLIGENCE: High
ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Good
Size: L (40' long)
CHANCE OF:
  Speaking: 10%
  Magic Use: 0%
  Kicking Your Ass: 100% (unless you're a Manticore)


I can't think of a single album that  presents a generation gap quite like "Tarkus." I have sat with young folks who burst into laughter at the album cover, the squirty/farty keyboards and the ponderous vocals. I have also sat with old folks (the album's original audience) and  watched as they listened to the same music, stone faced, and declare, "Now this is real music."

Here was the rite of passage for people my age: As a kid, you dig through your brother's,  uncle's or maybe your father's record collection. You come across a record that is both colorful and drab, with a huge fucking armadillo that's been turned into a tank. Wide-eyed, you crack open the gatefold and are greeted to a gigantic crudely-drawn scene of epic, bloody battles between machine/animal hybrids...

Here's the story as far as you can piece it together: First, you automatically assume that Tarkus is the name of the Armadillo/Tank. Tarkus is born of an egg shooting out of  an erupting volcano in the kingdom of  Eternia (or possibly Preternia). He then does battle with a Pterodactyl/Jet hybrid and wins. Then he fights an Iguana/Grasshopper/Robot monster and wins. Then he finally meets his match in the Manticore, who promptly scratches the cornea in Tarkus' left eye and he goes into a river to wash the blood out of his right eye. The end.

By the way, that Pterodactyl/Jet is rad. The Iguana/Grasshopper/Robot is a little too abstract. The Manticore is a little too dirty hippie-ish. But the Pterodactyl/Jet is on point. It looks sorta like a Dino Rider.

Still, it's Tarkus himself who's the real star. The most indelible image of the prog era (outside of maybe the King Crimson nostril guy). But as a kid, you have no concept of prog. This album can only be kick-ass heavy metal. 

And this is where the lifetime of associating it with comedy comes in. Your heavy-metal boner is all primed and you're bracing yourself for the heavy guitar riffs. But here's the thing. There are no heavy guitar riffs. In fact, there are no guitars! Just bass guitar, the aforementioned squirty keyboards and ponderous vocals. The incongruity becomes hilarious and the outdated sounds are even funnier when tempered with the disappointment. This is what we call "Bat Out of Hell" Syndrome. 

Also known as "Deceptive Bends" Syndrome...

Then a few years later, as a teen or young adult, you're digging through the local pawn shop and are once again face to face with the grim visage of Tarkus.

"Oh, yeaaaaa..." you say to yourself and decide to take the plunge and spend the $0.50. After all, it's a great conversation piece. Initially, you listen to it with your friends and laugh at the squirty/farty keyboards and the ponderous vocals but as decades pass your outlook on the album softens a bit...You now realize that it's both hilarious and kinda awesome.

The band has a reputation for being sterile and overly serious, but to my ears it's a bit brutish and sloppy. If you're having a hard time hearing this, compare it to a Yes or Genesis album, which are much tidier in comparison. Listen to the boogie-woogie parody "Are You Ready Eddy?" Hear how sloppy it gets? Then go back and listen to the rest of the album and you'll hear the same sloppiness (although less exaggerated), just applied to a more classical context. And the whole thing is just so relentlessly complex. Like if it sits still for a minute it'll die. This is what is sounds like: Skiddle-di-bump. Diddle doo, skiddle da bump. Skiddle da bump. Deedle deedle deedle....If you listen closely you can actually hear the flares.

Side one is where it's at. The side-long "Tarkus" suite, which includes the great "Stones of Years" section, which is ELP at their greatest and most ponderous. Ponderous not pompous. Greg Lake is dazedly pondering the vastness of the universe. The small, pettiness of mankind. And Keith Emerson's keyboards keep the cosmic wheels slowly, endlessly turning. Definitely one of my favorite side-long prog suites (just a few notches below "Supper's Ready" and "The Gates of Delirium"  (wait, did I just rate "Gates of Delerium," higher than "Close to the Edge"? Fuckin'-A right).  Wait, is "Atom Heart Mother" considered prog? If so, I rank that higher than "Tarkus" too!

Side two drops the suite for some serious diddle-dickin' around. There's novelty pop piffle like "Jeremy Bender" and "Ready Eddie." There's also the extended religious takedown of "The Only Way (Hymn)" which has an intro that outside of Rick Wakeman playing Brahms on the dorkiest keyboard ever, is the most pompous thing I've ever heard on record (keep in mind, there's a whole subsection of pompous progressive rock that I've never subjected myself too. Shit like Wakeman's "King Arthur on Ice" that I'm sure pomps the shit outta this). Close follow up, the sudden burst of pomp at that closes the "Tarkus" suite.

**************Mind Blown section********************************

The band had a full-sized Tarkus built for their live shows that shot ping-pong balls or something into the audience!!! WHAT?!?!?!

HOW DO I GET ONE OF THESE?!?!? I'LL NEVER LOSE A BATTLE OF THE BANDS EVER AGAIN WITH A FULL-SIZED TARKUS ON MY SIDE!!!!!

This band received a bad rep after the punk scene singled them out for their self-indulgences, but I feel like that yin and yang is necessary. That's why last night when I listened to this, I immediately followed it with some Gang of Four and Exploited to restore the cosmic balance. The full picture only becomes apparent with these juxtapositions. Any record collection without "Tarkus" lurking in it is incomplete. Long may Tarkus blast away Manticores and robotic lizard insects...

Man, I've gotta cut myself off. I could talk about "Tarkus" all day. Let's listen to it instead. Here's the entire 20 minute "Tarkus" suite...Enjoy!!